Charlie has been gone for one year this month; my love passed at 6:06am, January 21, 2023.
This year was very emotional time, especially though the holidays, and I've come to the realization that I owe so much to everyone's effort to grant Charlie with her one wish if she had to die: a wish to die at home amongst family and friends. We needed everyone's helping to make this possible, for it would be unattainable for me to have granted this wish by myself.
Letting go is so hard…
I want to extend my gratitude to my daughters and spouses, Ashley & Jason and Lisa & Alex, who helped to comfort Charlie throughout her illness and last days. Ashley and Lisa worked hard through the last year of artsy stuff, like water color paintings and making shadow boxes of precious memories; to my sisters and their spouses, Vickie, Cindy & Max, Carol & Kurt, Allison & Russell and; to nephews Adam & Katy, who was the photographer at the wedding vows ceremony and to David and Courtney, who welcomed me to be a part of his close family after Charlie's death; Cindy came and stayed at our house about three weeks when Charlie needed her. And, of course, Granny who gave her support through it all. The combined effort gave meaning to Charlie's life.
I want to show my appreciation to my sister and her husband, Marybeth and Keith. They have been making continuing trips from Corpus Christie to Garland, TX about every three to six weeks for the past 18 months or more to show their support. You are constantly surprising me, Marybeth, and I love you for it and proud to call you a close sister.
I want to express my appreciation to those at KosAbility and Daily Kos for the ongoing support that I have received over all these years. KosAbility provided a true supporting and atmosphere that I shared about my and Charlie's disabilities. The discussion when the diary is published is where the magic happens, knowing that people cared.
In particular, I posted a short dairy the evening of Charlie's passing, all of four sentences long, "I Lost Charlie Today...". I was reaching out to the Daily Kos and KosAbility community just to update the small group of people that I thought would be interested. What I didn't expect was the outpouring of support, concern and love from the entire community-- it was an uplifting and amazing experience! I truly needed the backing just then.
The wedding vows ceremony was a precious, emotional event. I just wanted to express my appreciation to my family for all the work to make that possible, and for the family, friends and neighbors that attended. It was THE highpoint in Charlie's and my life!
Listening to Hanson "Lay Me Down" right now as I write this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qy6RbUNS0tQ
It tears me into pieces watching you fight to fill your lungs with breath
There's no need to struggle
There's no need to struggle
I lay you down
Lay you down
Don't you cry no more
I'll lay me down
Lay me down
Mmm__Oh
Well I'm not ready
I'm not ready for this
Journal Entry 1-11-2024
I spent several days writing this memorial for Charlie, and I keep thinking about the morning of the vows ceremony, and how Charlie went in her wheelchair hid in the master bedroom closet when people started to arrived. Charlie seem to have wanted to be alone or with very few people. Somebody ventured that she was overwhelmed with all the commotion and activity that was going on before the ceremony, with the crowd inside the house and spilling out into the yard. That overwhelming presents she must have been feeling seemed to fit, I thought at the time. We eventually coaxed her out of the closet to participate in the event.
But I think back to that moment, and I come to the realization it was more than that. Charlie might have been thinking that we were holding the vows ceremony early because she could not make it to the 50th wedding anniversary. Charlie would die soon. But not today, that was to be all blocked out for another time. I would not allow myself to dwell when Charlie would leave me....
Shit.
When I spoke to the gathering, I tried to convey a positive and emotional message, a celebration, thanking the family, friends and neighbors for attending this wedding vows ceremony. I implored the group to look at that moment and live each day because each day was precious! But my voice cracked as my emotions overtook me and I thought of the unspoken reality that my love would die soon....and there was not a damn thing I could do to change the situation.
The feeling of intense happiness and despair at the same time is frightening.
and everyone knew....
I'm not ready for this....
But, back to what I was saying.
To my friends and former partner, Tim & Margaret, and to my lifelong friends, Jesse & Susan and Tracey, who kept in touch by phone, texts and visitations over the last year. These folks have buoyed me by their constant companionship in the past year, keeping me grounded while I grieve.
To my good friends, who have helped me more than you will ever know, Gary, the best man at our wedding, Darrel, who took the time to visit Charlie regularly, Jeff, Tracy, Kathy, Lisa & Richard (Charlie showed Lisa how to pour paint with water colors at the end; I am forever grateful), Brent & Kimberly, Susan, Diego, Tony, Constanza, Vico, Johnny, Maryrose & Curtis, Sidney, Clarissa, and Hope (who drove from Mississippi in order to visit Charlie one last time); to the professionals, including, Dr. Toledo, PT Vanita, RN Valery; and to the wonderful employees at our bank, including Ana, Sally, Susan and Linda, who made Charlie feel special with the acceptance of her artwork during one of her last trips outside the home. Yes, we shut all banking business down for about 20 minutes that day!
To my family, friends and neighbors who I haven't mentioned by name, thank you.
In the end, Charlie's wish to die at home was achieved. As Charlie texted me many times, "ALS Sucks."
I, myself, am emotional wreck, but am slowly healing from these events, forever changed. I do miss Charlie, everyday.
I am blessed to have the support and love of family and friends. And I wanted you to know.
Love,
Steve
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